#worldsuicidepreventionday

This is piece from my journal last week . When I might seem to always have a positive mindset and a smile on my face when you see me . I still have bad days , last week I not only struggled one day I struggled the whole week . In fact I’ve been struggling and hurting quite a while now .

Heres the other side that you don’t always see .

My alarm goes off for the fifth time. Instead of hitting snooze, I just give in and turn off the alarm altogether. Despite being in bed for 10 hours, I’ve slept only four. My body is pained and achy. This awful migraine hits my brain.

My thoughts are cloudy, intertwined, and muffled. I’m terrified of leaving my bed. No one wants to see this side of me.

I don’t want to fake smiles and laughter.

I don’t want to be asked if I am OK.

I don’t want to force my way through work or the gym .

I don’t want to risk having an anxiety attack in public. I don’t want to fail in any regard.

I just can’t handle it today.

So, im lying here . My fear just as drowning me as much as the silence and stillness of my Room .

I am shivering wrapped in my blanket with my state of feeling overwhelmed with my mind. I hardly feel safe – or comfortable, or motivated, or hopeful, or purposed, or capable.

My only security is the blankets and sheets I hide under.

Blue eyes fill with my tears begging to just let release . I do what I know how to do to manage these feelings .

I shove my headphones in turn music up (sometimes giving out into the pillow), and drift back into sleep.

This is my attempt at pushing the restart button.

An hour or two will pass. I have slept more than half of my day. Guilt creeps in to overtake me. I can’t let it. I have to fight it. I use all of my mental faculties to retrieve coping methods from my psychology courses, song lyrics – anything that can interrupt the cycle of trampling my thoughts.

Redirect them.

Think positive.

Think influentially.

Think of love.

Think of power.

Think of helping others.

I get out of that bed. I text a few friends to let them know today is a battle. They respond with reminders of how loved I am. How strong I am . I drink some coffee and read.

That’s a step.

i have a shower . Sing until my voice goes .

I met a friend had a really good talk but then I get a wash over me again where I’m once again tired . Where I again just want someone to hug me .

i get back into bed .

Tomorrow is another day .

I did not necessarily thrive. But, I did survive… I survived. That is the only thing that matters. For right now, I am doing the absolute best that I can. The absolute best. There is no shame in that.

it is unbearable and you want to just give up .

You must fight.

Fight for your next breath and for the small victories that allow for your continual breathing. You see, in a low, every task – no matter how trivial – requires every ounce of effort you possess.

I understand that all too well. Just know it does not go unnoticed.

you are still here

.

You are alive.

With every breath, there is hope. With every victory, no matter the size, you have overcome your illness

. It does not define you. Do you hear me?

Nor will it ever define you.

You struggle with depression; you are not depressing.

You are loved.

You may feel weak, but you are not; you are incredibly strong.

i don’t care that it took you five hours to get out of bed this morning. It took me six hours to do the same last Monday. Keep fighting. You are an inspiration. 

You still got out of bed.